A group of survivors are working out on an oil rig in the middle of the desert. The desert is blisteringly hot and the crew has recently run out of water. They grab their guns and head into town to try and find some. When they arrive they find the town. They all wake up to find that your camp in ruins. Tents are on fire, and broken tools and supplies litter the sand. They are under attack from a group of mutant biker gang who discover them when they arrive for work. THe survivors fend off the attack but one of them is killed and the rest capture. You are the last one left and you take off into the night.
> null bite. You find yourself in a small town. You jack a car and drive off, but the car is low on fuel and you are spotted by a local sheriff.
>null no. You get back in the car and drive off. The getaways successful and night is falling but you lose control of the car and crash, killing you and the driver instantly.
> null fuck u.
> null math blaster is bruh. You are awoken by a tapping on your door. You open it to see a man holding a clipboard and a box of donuts.
> null hell. You close the door and go back to sleep.
> null how to play math blaster. Math Blaster is played in two players split screen. you have a spaceship that you can move around in and launch torpedoes. The goal is to take out the other ships shield generators before they do the same to yours.
> null sksksksksksz. You have 1000 points to start the game with. You have a shield that regenerates every second so as long as you don't get hit, you will always be in the game for a while.
> null no. You hear the sound of the intercom, "Hi I am Mr Warnov, the owner of 'Math Blaster' personally select you to play as you are the highest scoring player in this years beta!"
> J.P.P Demoa kill null. "That's right folks, last years champion, J.P.P. Demoa, has been killed by null." "Great, now they'll have no one to stop me!" You think and laugh.
> null lick my shit. "Now the fun really begins!" Mr. Warnov said as he enters the room and hands you a control pad.
> null fuck u. "Now children, the game will be started with a bang! You are the captain of the 'Math Blaster' spaceship, you have to destroy the enemy ship before they destroy yours!"
> J.P.P Demoa shoot alien. The screen turns from black to a battlefield. You see your ship floating in space surrounded by aliens. The sound of a heavy metal begins to play as your ship moves forward towards the first alien ship.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "I'm the most sexyful of Kazakhstan !" You think as you blast your second ship. "Who is that?" you ask yourself. "It's Boratsagdiyev, the greatest Heavy Metal singer this side of the Galaxy!"
> J.P.P Demoa challenge Boratsagdiyev in a heavy metal concert conquest. "Who is that?" you ask yourself. "It's J.P.P. Demoa, the greatest heavy metal singer this side of the galaxy!
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev do the best heavy metal of Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev's life bitch ! The ships are destroyed as a race of green creatures appear.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev shoot on this huge bastard! You blast your enemy as the heavy metal tune continues. "Now children, it's time for the creatures to attack!" Mr. Warnov shouts as the screen turns to black.
> J.P.P Demoa says "use dubstep gun" You are hit by a probe that makes you fall over instantly. A symbol appears on your chest as the probe disappears. "Remember kids, the first one to survive wins!"
> null no. The screen turns to a view of a battlefield. You see your other ship floating in space surrounded by alien creatures. One of the creatures approaches your craft. "Remember kids, the first one to survive wins!"
> J.P.P Demoa says "kill the old grandpa" You fire at the creature destroying his head and killing him instantly. "Well done, you've won!" The screen goes black as the ship explodes, destroying you ship.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev dance on the corpse. "Well, well, well. It looks like your ship has been destroyed. How unfortunate. I have to admit, you tried your best.
> null arrive. "By the gods!" Mr. Warnov shouts as he runs for cover. A massive ship approaches the station, you see several cannons attached to it. "That's a ship, not a monster!"
> null don't understand help me pls. "Don't be so sure child!" You follow Mr. Warnov's advice to run as the ship fires upon the station, destroying it. "We have to get off this planet!"
> null *cry*. You sit on the ground and cry. The planet looks like it's burning, the aliens have been defeated, but you know that victory is far from your grasp. "We can't stay here!"
> J.P.P Demoa cry.
> null commit suicide. The ground begins to shake as explosions occur around the place. You look up and see a ship hovering above you, looking down at you with a lens. A man steps out of the ship and approaches you.You put a bullet in your head. "Goodbye!"
> null bye bye. Goodbye
> J.P.P Demoa resurrect null. You stand again, the alien ship has destroyed your body, but with the power of the mind you have been given a second chance! You look at the man who has helped you.
> null says "i'm not dead anymore" "I told you not to get involved!" Mr. Warnov shouts. "You've helped me enough" Mr. Warnov looks at you, shocked.
> null says "magic" "I've always wanted to try it." Mr. Warnov runs into the forest as the forest starts burning. He runs up to you. "Quickly, we need to..."
> null says "cool" "Don't listen to him, he's crazy!" Mr. Warnov suddenly stops and thinks for a moment. "You can call me Mentor, by the way." You nod. try to kill !" "I'm still here now aren't I?" You think for a moment. "Killkillkillkillkillkill!
> J.P.P Demoa coffin dance. At this point the man runs away into the forest. "I don't have time for this! You want to kill, then go ahead! I'm going back to the station!"
> null try to kill someone. You hear a massive growl and turn around to see the monster that Mr. Warnov warned you about.
> J.P.P Demoa try to pet the monster. You approach the monster and attempt to pet it, but alas the beast is unmovable. "Shoo!" It looks at you and sniffs the air. "Wait..."
> Math Blaster says "now my name is math blaster" You stare into mr. Warnov's eyes and he screams as the alien mind invading his body forces him to kill him.
> Math Blaster says "cool" "Now we can finally have some real fun!" Mr. Batalimus says, looking at the corpses of the guards. Mr. Warnov stands there looking scared, as the monster growls and advances on you.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "I found a monster, it's Biden !"
> Math Blaster says "Wanna go to hell ?" "Ha ha! Maybe it really is a monster, maybe it isn't. Maybe it's your friend !" Mr. Batalimus says. "Oh dear." Mr.The monster looks confused and sniffs the air. "Well... originally I was going to say 'yes', but now that you've offered I... might need to rethink that." The monster looks around, confused.
> J.P.P Demoa eat the monster. "Well, that was disappointing." Mr. Batalimus says, looking at the monster. The monster looks at you and sniffs the air. "What the hell, might as well." someone find a giant doritos chip and some ncis:SD memorabilia." The monster looks at you, confused. "I like this dorito boy. He's my new best friend.
> Math Blaster god dammit. "What the hell kind of name is 'Batalimus' anyway?" you shout. "He's a really cool guy, come on." Mr. Batalimus says, dragging you towards the village.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev talk to the Dorito boy. "Do you know where I can find a Dorito?" you ask. "I like this dorito boy. He's my new best friend." Mr. Batalimus says.
> Math Blaster eat dorito boy. Mentor gives you a strange look. "Why did you do that?" you shrug. "Dunno." Mr. Batalimus bursts out laughing, as you feel something hit your head.
> Math Blaster coffin dance. You run over to the body, and pick up the Dorito. "What... the... hell!?" you say out loud, feeling strangely exhilarated. "Ah, that was a great idea!" Mr.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev sleep inside the Dorito boy. "You can sleep in there, with me!" Mr. Batalimus says, opening the door to a coffin. "Yeah... I think I'll pass." you say. "Suit yourself..." Math Blaster vomit dorito all over the floor of the coffin. "Um... I think I'm going to be sick..." you say. Mr. Batalimus bursts out laughing. "This is going to be so fun!
> Math Blaster is frustrated now. You do not find this funny at all, as you begin to wander outside the village, in the surrounding forest. "Hey, you can't leave!" Mr.
> Math Blaster says "YES I CAN" Mr. Batalimus stops laughing and looks at you, confused. "What?" You feel a surge of anger as you pick up a tree branch and without warning you hit Mr.
> Math Blaster says "i leave you all gay freaks " Mr. Batalimus is hit in the head with such force, he flies into the air and skids along the ground, before he gets impaled on a tree. "Ah, great you stopped laughing."
> Math Blaster leave. "Ha ha, good luck Math Blaster!" someone shouts. You stare at the villagers for a moment, and from somewhere deep inside you, rage.
> J.P.P Demoa says "Why are you gay ?" "You... you didn't have to hit him like that." Mr. Batalimus says, pulling himself out of the tree trunk. "I know." "What's your name?
> Math Blaster come back. "If I want your permission to come back, I'll ring a salesmans bell, last time I remember!" You grab the Dorito boy and head into the woods.
> Math Blaster says "sorry i just wanted to pee" The boy eats the Dorito you gave him. "Don't make me put you in a burrow, boy." you say. You start running, and find yourself in the Grass Lake Forest.
> J.P.P Demoa sing in german. "I hear sasquatches." "Giraffes." "I see pixies." "I have a cold." "I have the flu!"
> Math Blaster try to cut a tree for no reasons. You turn to see a strange man holding a sword. "You can't just attack me..." you say, backing away slowly. "I'm sorry, but I must protect myself. It is my nature."
> Math Blaster say sorry. "Well you better get yourself under control, because nature boy is probably my height and a lot stronger than you.
> Math Blaster eat nature boy.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev take a woman a in a cage to spread hit in sasquatches. "Do you think I should apologize?" you ask, turning to look at the girl. "No, it's fine." she says. "Look out!""Ha ha, got one!" you say. "Don't you dare..." nature boy says. You turn invisible, and sneak up on nature boy. You grab him, and... nature boy is now named Math Junior, and is living in the Batalimus' house. "You can make me invisible?" he asks. "Yeah, I guess." you say. "Can you teach me how?
> J.P.P Demoa kill a squirell and wear it. "You only get one chance to be invisible, and when you're in the open, you're giving yourself away. So the best thing you can do is sneak attack." "I see...
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev kill a gitan for eating him. "Yum." you say. "I've never tried eating Grikan before. Where do I find some?" "You're not eating that!" nature boy says.
> Math Blaster says "it's all vore now" "Oh, you think I don't have enough food already? Well too bad, I don't share." You grab nature boy, and hurl him at the Grikan camp.
> J.P.P Demoa eat nature boy. "I don't think he'll eat you. I would have, but I don't think Theo would let me eat you now." "Okay..."
> Math Blaster says "nature boy you wanna be my son ?" "Did you shoot that squirell?" "Yeah, I bet you can eat it." "I can try..." "I don't want to be your son..." "Ok, you gotta try!"
> Math Blaster catch nature boy and marry him. "You catch that boy!" Theo says, handing you a gun. "I have a boyfriend." you say. "Fine, don't marry him..."
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev the dog. "My dog can't shoot guns." "He just needs a small pellet. You could put one in his mouth, he would probably swallow it."
> Math Blaster says "time to eat again" "I'm sorry I'm not married to your boyfriend." you say. "But..." Theo begins to say. > Math Blaster eat Theo. "What the... Theo?" Theo looks different. His body is twisted in an unnatural way, making him appear almost reptilian.
> Math Blaster says "OH SHIT THEO IS A REPTILIAN" You turn invisible, and hide. The creature, Theo, walks away from you and goes to the campfire. "What are you waiting for, boy? Kill the beast!" Batalimus says.
> J.P.P Demoa play dark souls. "Can you teach me to fight like you?" you ask. "What? You want to learn to fight? Fine," he says, handing you a gun. "Now shoot the beast!"
> J.P.P Demoa shoot him in the willy. You fire the gun, and shoot Theo in the willy. Theo screams in pain, grabbing at his willy. "Ha ha! Not bad. Next time, aim for the face!" Batalimus laughs.
> Math Blaster take his clothes off and say "wanna fuck ?" to a tree. "What the hell... now he's trying to grope trees!" Batalimus says. "Just because you shoot a gun at my friend, doesn't mean you get to touch my property."
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev became invisible to be exhibitionist. As Theo writhes around on the floor in pain, you walk over to him and take his clothes, which are literally covered in blood, and begin to get undressed.
> J.P.P Demoa kiss the tree. You walk up to the tree, and as you start to unbutton your pants, the tree raises its branches, scratching your eyes and leaving you temporarily blind. "Hey!" Batalimus says in surprise. now everyone fuck the tree! "No! That's... that's not what we meant!" Batalimus says. Well, I'm leaving. Have fun, you scaly little Orcs.
> J.P.P Demoa have sex with batalimus. As you're banging Batalimus, she laughs obnoxiously. "Ha ha! The best, huh?"
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "Trees ! Open your mouth ! " You open your mouth, and Mathias sticks his finger in it, and begins to tickle you, quickly followed by Theo, who begins to laugh. "Stop! Stop! Get off!" you yell, laughing.
> Math Blaster says "Wtf you're a girl" "What?" Theo asks. "You're a girl." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are, oh great ruler of the forests." "I am not!
> Math Blaster go back to fuck tree. "Fine, I'm a girl." "Y..You're a girl." Theo says, stopping laughing. "Shut up!" you yell at him, as Batalimus continues to ride you.
> Math Blaster stop being gay. "Maybe we should stop." Theo says. "Fine! But can I finish, please?" you say. "Fine." You lie there, covered in sweat and grim, as your friends breathe heavily. Theo turn into a monkey, and begin to grab your genitals, licking them. "Hey!" you yell. Mathias jumps up, and begins to angrily slap you in the face. "Stop! Stop! He asked nicely!"
> Math Blaster says "MATHIAS SHUTUP U PRINCESS" "Fine," Batalimus shrugs. "We're done anyway." Batalimus lies down next to you, as you lay there exhausted. "Shit... That was fun.
> J.P.P Demoa do drug. "I think we should do drugs." "Yeah, good idea," Batalimus says. "Have any of you guys done any 4?" "Me and Theo have done some.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev cum on the monkey. "Theo, go get some 4." Theo nods, and runs out of the room. "I'll go get it." "Mathias, I need you to stay here,"
> Math Blaster says "I have weed" "Sure thing, boss," Mathias says. You lay back down, as Batalimus and Theo begin to argue about something, this time in Orc, which you can't understand.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev smoke weed. You sit on the floor, holding a bong filled with green smoke, as Theo and Batalimus argue, getting angrier. The high is beginning to take hold, as you enjoy the conversation.
> J.P.P Demoa take drug and have an overdose.
> Math Blaster take a bon joint sa mère. "Hey, Theo." "Yeah?" "You ever think our friends will find us, one day? I mean, they'll never give up."Hey, Mathias, we need some more !" "Kay." Batalimus runs off, and you hear the familiar sound of a can opening. then Math Blaster's mom enter the room, bathing it in light. "Mommy!" he yells. "My Mathias! My beautiful, smart boy!" she screams, and runs over to him.
> Math Blaster says "BUT MOTHER-" "Aha, but my Mathias," she says, kissing him on the forehead, like he's a girl.
> Math Blaster cry again. "B-b-but Mommy, I..." "Oh, Mathias.." she sighs, then with incredible strength, picks him up by his throat.
> J.P.P Demoa kill Math Blaster mother. "Go to your room!" "No! No, you say I have to go to my room!" "I don't care what you have to do! You know the rules! Now go to your room!"
> Math Blaster says "NOOOOO" "Well? Say it, then!" "I don't want to go to my room!" The woman lets go of him, and throws him down on the ground. "Go to your room."
> Math Blaster cry. "I don't want to go to my room!" Batalimus appears again, and shoots you in the side with an arrow, as you scream. "Mathias, go to your room.
> Math Blaster go to his room while crying. You try to stand, but fall over. "Shit, I'm... I'm OK." "You're not OK!" Batalimus screams, kicking you in the head.
> J.P.P Demoa don't go to his room. "Go away." Batalimus appears, and looks down. "Oh... OK. But you need to go to your room, Mathias." "Do I have to?" "Well yeah."
> Math Blaster do it. "Fine," he says. "I'll be in my room." "OK. I'll see you in a bit, Theo." "Bye, Mathias." "Bye," he replies.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev take an axe to decapitate the mother head. "Hah, good idea," Elios says, beheading the ancient, wrinkled head with his sword, laughing.
> J.P.P Demoa play football with mother head. You grab the severed head, and begin kicking it around. "Alright, let's play football!" you say. Theo begins laughing uncontrollably as Elios and Elizabeth watch. You can hear math crying in his room, and walk over to the man, knocking on the door. "Hello?" you ask. "Go away," a voice replies.
> Math Blaster leave discreetly by the window. You walk over to the small window by the door, and begin unlatching it. "Alright, let's go," Theo says, grabbing Elizabeth and putting his arm around her protectively.
> Math Blaster says "Mom i'll never forget you" "Mathias, you can't stay here!" Elios says angrily, grabbing your shoulder and turning you around. "What's wrong, Elios? You never turn down a free meal,"
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev take a plane for Moscou. "I have to go, I'm sorry." "Alright, fine. But you need to go now." "OK. Thanks for the food, guys,"
> Math Blaster says "bye shitass" The boy runs out the house, disappearing down the road quickly. "Good riddance," Elios grunts angrily, looking at his watch.
> Math Blaster try to find his car. You walk down the road, looking for Mathias' car. You spot it, and begin walking towards it. Suddenly, you hear a roaring sound nearby, and look up. "Oh..."
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev ta mère. You grab your gun, looking at the helicopter. It is far away, but you know that it is a Bell OH-13, used for observation and light transport.
> J.P.P Demoa do a flip. You quickly jump over the wall and pull out your gun, aiming at the man in the open doorway. "Do you know how hard it is to get a helicopter into this position?" you demand.
> Math Blaster scream at the helicopter. The man screams back, his eyes widening in terror. "Shoot him!" You aim your gun at the man, too terrified to pull the trigger.
> Math Blaster shoot the copter. You fire your gun, and the helicopter's left engine explodes into pieces of flaming metal, destroying it beyond repair. The man tumbles out of the helicopter, his face showing pure shock as he falls out of the sky.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev take a shoot gun to kill everyone. You grab your gun, and begin running towards the house. You get to the door, but pause, pulling out your gun and pointing it at the group huddled around the TV.
> Math Blaster says "wow nice gun" "Mathias, get in here!" Theo yells. He runs inside, walking into the room. "What do you see?" "They took Mom!"
> Math Blaster says "NOOOOO NOT AGAIN" "Alright, it's alright," Theo says, taking a seat next to you. "What do you mean they took her?
> J.P.P Demoa hug Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev Math Blaster. You grab your crying brother, hugging him tightly. You look at him, and begin tearing up as well. "We have to do som..." "NO! They killed my Mom, they have to pay!"
> Math Blaster says "the place of the woman is in the kitchen " "Mathias, calm down. We'll find your Mom, I promise." Suddenly, Theo begins yelling from the living room. "STANGETT! We need your help over here!" "Fine,"
> Math Blaster take his magic gun. You walk into the living room, noticing Theo pacing nervously from the kitchen to the living room. "What's going on?" "Your Mom was kidnapped by bandits a few hours ago, apparently." "...Seriously?"
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev the place of the babies it's in the fridge. "We're not sure, we think it's just one guy." "In any case, we're bandits, so we're holding her for a small ransom.
> Math Blaster says "wtf she was dead" "Well, if that's the case, we'll pay the ransom ourselves." "Nah, you don't understand," Theo says. the kidnapper phonecall "You can't go to the police, or you'll both be in danger."
> Math Blaster says "so mom is a zombie now ?" "No, of course she's not." "Then what the fuc..." "She's been kidnapped by one of the living dead, you idjit!" Theo yells.
> Math Blaster visible confusion. "What?" "The kidnapper called us. He has Mom, in fact. He's holding her hostage in a minehaft in the forest, and he's demanding a small fortune in ransom.
> Math Blaster says "WELL LET'S GO" "Wait, you can't just go barging in there! What if he's dangerous?" "I'm sure he is, but I'm even more sure that we're going to be able to handle it."
> J.P.P Demoa grab a chainsaw. "I'll grab the chainsaw.
> Math Blaster says "i have money " "Take mine." You take out a handful of coins from your pocket, and throw them to Theo. He catches them one by one, staring at you in confusion. "Thanks,"
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "i have 1 euro" "We have to go pay the ransom, remember?" Svadgyl狩人(Strider) says "huh" as he drags a body onto the patio.
> J.P.P Demoa take badass pose. "Nailed it," you whisper to yourself, taking another one of your many badass poses. "Alright," Theo says, "Let's go get the money." everyone leave the house. you walk out of the garage and go around to the backyard, where Theo is waiting. Svrngly beasts are chained in one corner, as Theo waits with a large, heavy padlock. house explose Suddenly, the back window of the house explodes outwards. Theo quickly turns around, panicking, as Mathias climbs through the window, scaling the house with unnatural speed. "BORAT!"
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "Stop your shenanigans" Theo tries to stop Mathias with the chainsaw, but he's much faster, and slices Theo's neck open in a single motion. "Oh, please no..."
> Math Blaster says "Bruh, nevermind" Svadgyl狩人(Strider) clambers through the open window, but is too late to stop the killing. "Let's get the hell out of here," he says to you.
> Math Blaster says "hello dave" Van Hove Manor You and your allies head to the manor, where you find the place ransacked and destroyed. You begin searching rooms, though you find little of value.
> Math Blaster says "WHERE IS MY MOM SHITASS"
> J.P.P Demoa says "Let's split up gang !" "She's not here, let's go!" Theo says. Suddenly, there's a flash of light, and your mother's portrait on the wall disappears, revealing a hidden doorway. You go across the foyer and into the butler's quarters.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev drive Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev's mom. "I'll drive." You step into the driver's seat, as Theo gets into the passenger seat.
> Math Blaster get on the back. "Get on the back." You climb onto the roof of the car and lie down, as Mathias begins driving. He soon notices the traffic is moving slowly, and realizes something is wrong.
> J.P.P Demoa get on the leg. "Let's go, Nicholas!" You lie on the roof of the car, as you notice a man dressed in a brown suit standing at the traffic lights.
> Math Blaster honk. "PWN!" Theo honks his horn at the man, who bickers with him. Theo gives up and smacks the man in the head with his fist.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev drink lemons. You open your lemonade and drink some of the sweet, acidic drink. The man at the lights suddenly realizes he's hungry. "Look out!" Theo yells.
> Math Blaster says "what" Your mother pulls out in front of the car suddenly, and you all fly forward. You smack your head against the roof and slide back down onto the roof, before finally hitting the ground with a painful thud.
> Math Blaster says "MOM" An ambulance and several police cars pull in front of the van, as the officers exit their vehicles. Officer Treadwell sees you lying on the ground with a bruise on your head and a bloody lip.
> J.P.P Demoa drink blood. "What the hell happened?" he asks. "He was driving," Theo says. "Why was he driving?" Officer Tridge walks up to you. "Hi, I'm Officer Treadwell."
> Math Blaster take his magic gun and shoot the police. "Mathias, you're under arrest." You go to get your gun, but the police are quicker. They grab you and take you into the station. "What happened, Theo?
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev fly with the power of drugs. "I was driving," Theo says. "He banged his head on the road." "No, no, I was driving," you interrupt. Theo glares at you and sighs in exasperation.
> Math Blaster kill da police. "I'm the driver," you say. You pull out your gun and aim it at the police. "Don't move," you tell them. "Or die." sing gansta rap You're sitting in a police cell, waiting to be questioned. You're a dangerous criminal, after all. A police officer walks in and looks at you.
> Math Blaster try to fuck the officer. You stand up and kiss the officer. He pushes you away and handcuffs you. "I'm surprised you're not a serial killer," he says.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "I have not my condoms !" The officer walks out, and leaves you alone in the cell. Suddenly, you notice a small hole in the corner of the ceiling.
> J.P.P Demoa throw away a television. You notice a small, black television sitting on a shelf on the other side of the cell. You walk over to it and pick it up.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "fuck the television" You sit down on the bed and turn on the television. A small part of you hopes the news will keep you company. You're sure it's illegal to watch TV, after all.
> Math Blaster everything. The news talks about a series of raids in the area, and the amount of drugs seized. Suddenly, you notice a small, black object on the floor. You bend down to pick it up.
> J.P.P Demoa nothing. You raise an eyebrow before realizing you've forgotten to breathe. You hold your breath, anxious and excited for what could be at the end of the tunnel... You pull out a small, black revolver. Congratulations!
> Math Blaster says "TIME TO KILL DA POLICE" You point the gun at the police officer manning the front desk, and grin. You're about to pull the trigger... Suddenly, you hear a loud alarm go off.
> Math Blaster kill the officer. You turn to look at the door, but it's shut. With your free hand, you reach for your gun... Suddenly, a small white box appears in the middle of your field of vision.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "I am the daughter of SATAN ! " You look at the box, and notice the date. It's from Theo.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "I LOVE YOU THEO" You open the box, and find a small, black pistol inside. Congratulations! Theo has given you a gun to shoot the police with! You notice the time. It's now !!!
> J.P.P Demoa try to seduce daughter of satan. Theo is the devil's darling. "Hey," you say, walking up to her. The girl snarls at you like a wild animal, and her eyes burn with an otherworldly hatred.
> Math Blaster make a fuck too the security cam. "Hi," Theo says, staring directly into the security camera. She looks at you with her dead eyes. "You act like I've seen you somewhere before." Theo snarls.
> Math Blaster says "bruh" Theo turns and walks off into the darkness. You shrug and start walking after her. "What's your name?" you ask. She stops and turns around to face you. "My name is..."
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev fuck the delicious cheep. "My name is..." she hisses. The temperature in the room suddenly begins to rise, and you feel intense heat on your face. Suddenly, Theo screams. "IT'S A TRAP!" her name is SHITASS And then she burns up in a ball of flame, completely incinerating within seconds. You quickly turn and run out of the building before the fire department can arrive. What the hell just happened?
> Math Blaster says "dunno wasn't there" You exhale deeply. This was too much for you to handle. Theo and her stupid cat toy both pushed you over the edge. For the next few days, you stay in bed, barely eating or drinking anything.
> Math Blaster the flop. You can't take it anymore. You need to get away from the city, get away from everything. You're going to go to the country and live on some farm.
> Math Blaster says "still need to find my mom" You decide to go to your high school's newspaper office and ask to be put on the writing staff of the newspaper.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev transform into a gay parrot. After a few days of recovery, you feel okay enough to go to the newspaper office. As you walk in the door, you feel like you're going to vomit.
> J.P.P Demoa read the newspaper. You walk up to the desk and look at the headlines. You can't believe it. ... You can't believe it. what the hell is going on? Who are these people? These are not your friends! You grab the newspaper and read more. And more. And then, you realize: this isn't just about you. This is about Barack Obama. This is about your entire country! You drop the newspaper and scream in terror. Then Mathias kill you. This is the first time you can realize that you are dead. As you lie there on the ground, shivering and shaking, Theo walks in and kneels down next to you.
> Math Blaster says "haha i'm a serial killer" "Hey," he says. You look at him. "I'm Theo." You stare blankly ahead. "Do you remember anything?" he asks. You shake your head no. > Math Blaster says "well time to kill people" "What are you going to do?" you ask. "Kill people," Theo says. "What?" "You heard me." Theo puts his fist through the desk and grabs you by the throat.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev do the Ted Bundy thing. You stare at him. "Who are you going to kill first?" he asks. "I was going to kill you." Theo snarls. "Well, you can't go back home,"
> J.P.P Demoa kill people with math. "Why not?" "It's my home now," Theo says. "Are you going to kill all the girls in your family?" you say. "Maybe," Theo answers. "I haven't decided."
> Math Blaster says "5+5=10" "Well, I guess you're going to have to leave then," "I can't." "Try." "I can't." "Why not?" "It's my home now.
> Math Blaster kiss the floor of the cell. "Well... are you at least going to leave me alone?" Theo asks. "Yeah," you say. "I don't want to cause trouble for you." "Trouble?" Theo says, smiling. > J.P.P Demoa leave his clothes. "Why are you leaving?" Theo asks. "I just... I gotta leave, that's all." "Okay," Theo says, dropping his gaze.
> Math Blaster do a gross noise while kissing. You and Theo make out for a few minutes before things get weird. "Do you want to... go deeper?" Theo asks.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev masturbate on the key of the cell. You look at him, confused. "Go deeper... into my pants," he says, as if repeating it will make it true.
> Math Blaster says "go back to porn again" "Do you want to go back to my place and pick up where we left off?" Theo asks. You nod your head eagerly.
> J.P.P Demoa watch corn. You leave the newspaper office and walk home. It takes about a half hour, but you soon arrive at your home. You open the door and walk inside.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev suck his beautiful dick. You walk into the living room, and sit down on the carpeted floor in front of the T.V. You pick up the remote and turn it on. An infomercial comes on, selling kitchen appliances. Math is still in prison. Theo doesn't want to fight you. You are dead inside. It is too hot. You can't stand the heat. TV: The entertainment of the future!
> Math Blaster escape prison with magic gun. You grab the gun and point it at the lock. You pull the trigger, and the lock falls open. "Yes!" you say, smiling. You walk through the cell bars and into the prison yard.
> Math Blaster go to Theo's house. You open the prison cell door, and step outside into the prison yard. The prison guards watch you from above, as Theo walks towards you. "Hi," he smiles.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev is nude on a demolition ball to destroy the cell. "Hi," you say, feeling your face redden. "You're back a lot earlier than I expected. How did it go?"
> Math Blaster says "creeper" "Well, I uh..." "Come on, let's get out of here," Theo says. The two of you walk out of the prison, and head to the bus stop.
> J.P.P Demoa show respect to an ape with an apple tap. "Hey look, an apple tree!" Theo says, pointing to an apple tree in the distance.
> Math Blaster says "and shit let's be santa" "Why isn't this guy in jail?" you snarl.
> Math Blaster says "bruh" Theo grabs your shoulder. "Look, I know you're angry, but can we talk about this later? I don't want to fight, I really don't," Theo says.
> Math Blaster says "i'm not angry i just want to be satan " "Yeah, I know. I know," Theo says. "I just want to take care of some things, and then we can talk." "Fine," you reply.
> J.P.P Demoa says "Math Blaster in kinda sus" "How come you're being so nice to me?" you ask. > Math Blaster errase his satanic pentacle. "I'd tell you if I knew. In fact, why don't you come over to my place and we can talk?" Theo says. "Uh, OK," you say. "Great."
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev call the doom guy. "Yeah, we're coming out," Theo says. You hang up the phone and look at Theo. "Who were you calling?" you ask. "My parents," Theo says.
> Math Blaster says "MOM NO" You dig your heels in the ground. "Oh come on!" Theo says, not really understanding why you'd refuse to go to his house. "I... I don't want to see your mom,"
> J.P.P Demoa call Isabelle. "Hey, I'm at the bus stop. Where are you?" "I'm behind the school. I'm walking to the bus stop," she replies.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "Math, I am ur mom !" "I don't want to see your mom either, deal with it," you say. "Whatever, fine," Theo shrugs. The two of you walk to school in silence. Now everyone is at school. Middle School. You've been to High School, but you hadn't exactly been accepted into the program.
> Math Blaster says "t" "Math, you can't just stare at people like that," Theo says. > Math Blaster says "e" "What?" you ask. "He's staring at you," Theo says. You look up from your book, and see that it's true.
> Math Blaster says "U" "What?" Theo asks. "Do you have a pen?" you ask. "Because I'm about to lose my mind." Theo grabs his backpack, and pulls out a pen and a notebook.
> J.P.P Demoa says "UWU" "What do you want me to do?" Theo asks. "He's getting suspicious." You look to your left, and see something that looks an awful lot like a person, but with several extra arms.
> Math Blaster is happy because he can do math. And his name is Math, so Math, math... Not wanting to risk losing your concentration, you close your eyes and start counting up from ten in your head. By the time you finish, you've opened them back up and are looking at your book. "Sorry," A school shooter open the door of the class, and slowly walks into the room. He is wearing a black t-shirt and a black hoodie, and is covered in blood. He walks up to the door of the classroom, before turning to look at you.
> Math Blaster says "Hey Nature Boy, happy to see you again" "Who let the dogs out?" you say, quoting a children's song. The shooter turns to look at you, and his appearance is even more frightening than before.
> Math Blaster stand up. "I have to go," you say. You stand up quickly, and run out of the room. You start to hear gunshots behind you, as you make your way down the hall.
> Math Blaster smoke weed to forget. You walk outside, and make your way to the bus stop. The school is barely a block away from your house, but it feels like you've been walking for miles.
> Math Blaster says "Now that everyone is dead, i don't know what to do " The bus isn't for an hour, and you're not sure if you want to wait around the house. You walk down the street, looking for something to do.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "don't forget kids ! Drugs are delicious" "You're late!" the school secretary says, as you run to class. You're not seriously thinking about using drugs, are you? No, of course you're not. Class goes by quickly.
> J.P.P Demoa enduring a crimbling depression. As you make your way home from school, you think about your future. You're not sure what you want to do with your life.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "i will survive against Biden " The house seems very quiet. Where is everybody? You walk into looked into the kitchen, and see your mother. She's reading the newspaper, and looks up at you with a concerned look on her face.
> J.P.P Demoa says "Life is futile" "How was school?" she asks. "It was good, I think," you say. You walk up to her, and give her a hug.
> Math Blaster says "i think it's time to stop" "You should go upstairs and get your homework, sweetie," she says. "OK." You go upstairs to your bedroom. You open your backpack, and take out your textbooks.
> J.P.P Demoa do J.P.P Demoa's work. You spend the next few hours doing your homework. After getting it done, you put it back into your bag, and decide what to do for the rest of the day.
> Math Blaster says "what the fuck is happening" As you lean back in your chair, you think about your future. You're not sure what you want to do with your life.
> J.P.P Demoa says "We return to reality" Classes are a breeze the next couple of days, as you've gotten so used to the teachers' mannerisms that you know exactly what to do. everyone getting happy with life, while I can't even eat properly. You put your head down on your desk, and fall asleep for a brief moment.
> Math Blaster says "go back i want to be monkey" The teacher, Mr. Brody walks into the room. "Alright class, wake up," he says. You open your eyes, and look at your hands.
> Math Blaster says "SAKURA CHAN, YOU'RE LATE" "What?" you say in confusion. "You're late for first period," he says. He points over to the door, and you glance over.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev sit on the face of sakura. You stand up, and push your chair in. You walk out of the room, and towards the cafeteria. The lunch period goes by quickly, where you buy a prepackaged lunch from the lunch lady. Sakura turn into a magical girl, stop time, and turn herself invisible. She stares at you. "Hi," she says. "Hey," you say nervously. The bell rings, and you quickly walk towards your first class.
> J.P.P Demoa says "let's eat friend" You walk into English class, and take a seat next to math Blaster. He gives you a nod, and you both sit down. Mr. Beldam blows a whistle, and the class goes silent.
> Math Blaster says "english uh euh fromage" Mr.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev says "omelette du fromage" Beldam starts the class. "Hello," he says, in a strange accent. "Hello," everyone else says. He begins the class.
> Math Blaster says "ahah u weird accent boy" "OK, class," Mr. Beldam says. He spends the rest of the class time teaching you all about Shakespeare.
> J.P.P Demoa cheat during the control. You decide to start cheating during the test. You look over at math Blaster, and he nods at you. You quickly type in an insane amount of answers, and glance over at the clock.
> Math Blaster says "open your textbooks to page 69" You raise an eyebrow. 69? That can't be a coincidence. You open up your textbook to page 69, and find an answer sheet. Mr. Beldam takes roll. At the pagec 69 there is a picture of a dick. You glance over it, and find the answers. You glance up at the clock. "Oh dear me, it's time for homeroom," Mr. Beldam says.
> J.P.P Demoa throw paper to the trash. Just as he finishes saying this, you throw a sheet of paper to the trash. The teacher nods, and starts up the door. "OK class, open your book to page 69," he says.
> Math Blaster says "69 ? Isn't that for sex, Mr. ?" "No, 69 is the answer to most math problems," he responds, in a deadpan voice. You let out an audible sigh of relief. "Just don't look at the page," he says.
> J.P.P Demoa says "NO, IT'S 42" Mr. Beldam stares at you. "Is something the matter, Mr. Beldam?" you ask. "Yes, there is something the matter," he responds.
> J.P.P Demoa says "42 is the right answer sir" "NO, THE RIGHT ANSWER IS 69" You let out an audible sigh of relief. "Well, someone is smart," Mr. Beldam says. "That person should raise their hand."
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev 2 trucks having sex. You nervously glance around the room. "Yes, Mr. Beldam?" you ask. "Who can tell me what the definition of the word 'is' is?" he asks.
> Math Blaster says "NO 42 IS THE ANSWER TO THE LIFE" "Ah, I see... Alright, that's it, Math class is over," Mr. Beldam says. You quickly gather your textbooks, and gather your things.
> Math Blaster is angry at Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev. You walk out of the room, and walk towards the cafeteria. "Didn't you get it?" math Blaster asks loudly. "Get what?" you ask. "The test," he says.
> J.P.P Demoa create the sect of 42. You decide to form a new religious order, gathering those you believe to be the most intelligent. You call your order the "42ists", after the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
> Math Blaster says "Can i join ?" "Sure," you respond. "Cool," he says. "I'm the leader." "I'm Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev," the man says, extending a hand.
> J.P.P Demoa praise 42.
> Math Blaster says "LET'S PRAY OUR 42 GOD " You all kneel in a circle on the grass, and begin to pray to your god. You pray to the giant glowing 42 on your campus's statue."It is good that there are people like you out there," you say. "I'm glad to be out of that class," he responds.
> Math Blaster says "YATTA. YATTA. YATTA." "So, what's the plan for tonight?" you ask. "I've got some extra credit to do, so I'll just stay in and study," he says.
> J.P.P Demoa says "ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA" "You sure you don't want to come?" "Nah, I've got stuff to do," he says, walking towards the school. "Alright then. See you next period, new friend,"
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev is alone with her fuckin sect of broccoli. You walk into the school, alone. For the most part, you make friends pretty easily. Other than the 42ists, of course.
> Math Blaster says "NO JOJO REFERENCE HERE" You walk into the school, alone. For the most part, you make friends pretty easily. Other than the 42ists, of course. You take a seat next to another new girl, who looks at you.
> Math Blaster says "Hey girl, you're hot" "Shut up," she says, looking away. "No, really. You're a very pretty girl," you say. She glares at you, and gets up to go to the bathroom.
> Math Blaster is sad now. You walk into the school, alone. For the most part, you make friends pretty easily. Other than the 42ists, of course. You take a seat next to another new girl, who looks at you.
> Math Blaster says "hey girl, wanna fuck ?" She laughs, and sits next to you. "What's so funny?" "You," she says. "What about me?" "You're Mathman.
> Math Blaster says "Of course i'm Mathman !" "Everyone knows that. That's your name," she says. "Oh. Right," you reply, surprised. "Math Blaster," the girl says. "Well, it's nice to meet you,"
> J.P.P Demoa sing Mathman opening. "So what grade are you in?" "I'm a senior. You?" "I'm a Junior." "How tall are you?" "I'm not gonna tell you that. The 42ists commit a horrible crime, eating a pangolin and cooking it into a meal. "I'm 5'2." "I'm 5'9." "I thought so. I don't like pangolins.
> J.P.P Demoa get coronavirus and lockdown. Over the weeks, you and the girl become better friends. You find out her name is Joanna Phantom, as in the title. She tells you she knows of your site, thanks to meme generator.
> Math Blaster is happy to have a girl friend. Maybe one day they can fuck together. One day in class, you ask her if she wants to go see a movie later. She agrees. The next day, you text her if she's still interested. To which she replies with an excited yes.
> Math Blaster try to kiss Joanna. You walk over to her, as she turns around in her seat. "Hey," you say. "Hi," she says.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev stole Joanna. You lean in, as she turns her head. "What are you doing?" she asks. "I'm tryin' to kiss you," you say. "No you're not,"
> Math Blaster says "LET MY GIRLFRIEND ALONE" You sit back down in your seat, growling. Like a shot, you turn around to see Svagdabyllis standing behind you. He raises his fist, preparing to punch you in the face.
> J.P.P Demoa says "YEAH, MATH IS RIGHT" You're not sure why, but you agreed with Svag. "Math just stole Joanna," you say. "What are you talking about?" he says. They both fight. Soon, they're tearing each other apart. The teacher walks by, and looks at them. "STOP IT!" The two kids stop, and turn to look at the teacher.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev open his veines. "Vampires," the teacher says. You look down at your wrist. You can see the bite mark bruising beginning to set in.
> Math Blaster says "sorry Joanna, but i hat this asshole" You sigh, and get up. "I'm Joanna's boyfriend," you say. "Good... good..." he says, in a low voice.
> Math Blaster says "AND I'M PROUD TO NOT BE GAY FOR ONE TIME " You turn around, and walk away. The teacher says nothing, and pays no mind to your leaving. You walk out of the school, and out of the gates, waiting for Joanna.
> J.P.P Demoa try to save Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev. You walk up to Svagdabyllis. "Hey," you say. "I ain't talkin' to you, Math.
> Math Blaster go back wiating Joanna. You sit back down, and wait. Soon, you begin to hear screams. "SHIT..." you say. You get up, and walk outside. You see Joanna getting banged up and bloody.
> Math Blaster run toward Joanna. You run towards her. She screams as she sees you, as two guards have spotted you running. You dive, rolling into a ball. You hear the guards yell, as they rush towards Joanna.
> Math Blaster says "JOANNA !!!!" You yell her name, getting up and sprinting towards her. You dive once more, wrapping your hands around her legs. "Hold on!" You pull her forward, as guards rush to her.
> J.P.P Demoa stop the guard. With a quick punch, you push the guard out of the way. You dive back down, grabbing Joanna, as the guards grab your arms. You pull her forward once again, as the guards pull you back.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev use a communist tank to kill guards. With a squeal, a tank appears from the side. You look at it, before you're dragged into another room for your blood. They fill a needle with your blood, and push it into your chest.
> Math Blaster take Joanna and escape with her in his arms. You scream in pain as you wake up in a cell. You sit up, looking around. Staying still, you wait for the guards to come check on you.
> Math Blaster says "what the fuck where is Joanna" You lean against the wall, trying to remain as still as possible. You stay in the back of the cell, as time slowly passes. Soon, they find Joanna, and take her into another room
. > Math Blaster cry. You stay in the back of the cell, waiting patiently. Soon, you hear her screams. "NO!!!" After a few moments, you hear silence. You sigh, and wait patiently. > Math Blaster try to find an exit.
> J.P.P Demoa says "Don't worry math, you will sleep with her tonight" After waiting for an unknown length of time, you finally notice a tiny crack in the concrete wall. You look around, before noticing a tooth lying by you.You sigh, as the door opens. Guards waltz in, laughing as they take Joanna away. They take her into another cell, while you stay in this one.
> Math Blaster says "WE NEED TO SAVE JOANNA" You walk to the door, looking at the guards. One walks up to you, knocking on the glass. You look up at him, and he mutters something.
> J.P.P Demoa punch the guard. You quickly bend over, rolling your head into the guard's chin. He falls backwards in a daze, as you grab his shotgun.
> Math Blaster take his magic gun and kill other guards. You run up to the second guard, and punch him hard in the throat. He falls backwards, choking horribly. You quickly grab the shotgun, aiming it at the remaining guards.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev look to find a sexyful girl. One walks forward, smiling. "Hi, I'm Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev," he says, emphasizing his name by making it longer. "I'm Math."
> J.P.P Demoa shoot. You shoot the guard in the throat, and he collapses to the ground. "Who are the eternals?
> Math Blaster try to find Joanna's cell. You look around the room, noticing many symbols and a large pentagram in the center. Suddenly, you remember what the man in the black cloak said: "... come into my parlor..."
> Math Blaster come into his parlor. You walk into the room, raising your weapon. Before you stands a beautiful, young girl. She has long black hair and deep green eyes. It's Joanna. The man stands, smiling. "Hello," he says, extending his hand. You glance at each other, before shaking. "What do you want?" you ask angrily. "Everything.
> Svagdabyllis Boratsagdiyev give condoms to Math Blaster. Svagdabyllis grins. "I've been using protection since... well, since before you met me," he says, looking embarrassed.
> Math Blaster says "LET MY GIRLFRIEND TO ME" Svagdabyllis looks at you, smiling. "I love it when you say please," he says, before looking at Joanna. "I want you to meet someone."
> Math Blaster try to kill the bad guy. Svagdabyllis watches as Math flys over to Joanna. "Stay here," he says, flying out the window.
> Math Blaster take Joanna under his arm like a bag. Svagdabyllis grins, walking over to the window. "Hiya," he says, petting her. He looks up at you, before grabbing her hair and flying upwards.
> Math Blaster says "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE" You fly outside, facing the street. You frown, realizing you don't have a car. "How will we get out of here?" you ask. "I'll summon something. Wait here,"
> J.P.P Demoa protect Math and Joanna with his body. "Wait, no, you shouldn't do that," you reply. "Why not?" "It's dangerous! You could die!" "... I plan to."
> Math Blaster says "I'm sorry Joanna" You watch as Svagdabyllis bursts off through the sky. "I'll be back," he says, flying away. Suddenly, you feel incredibly tired. Math and Joanna come to Joanna's home. His parent aren't there. "We're home," Joanna says. They look around, before Math flies into the parent's room, and pulls out her jewelry boxes, opening them.
> Math Blaster sex with Joanna. "I want to have... great... and powerful children." "You do?" she asks, smiling. "I do," he says, grinning. "Now, lay down." They married and have a lot of kids. Sadly, this story has a tragic end: Svagdabyllis dies of Yellow Devil poisoning.
bruh this story is so gay. That's the most embarrassing and worst story I've ever read. Like, ever.
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